I have miscarried 3 times in a year and a half. I am blessed to be pregnant and can only pray I carry a healthy baby to term. But the lingering emotions from each miscarriage still haunt me, and I still fear every day that we will lose this baby. Those feelings will never go away….
When someone you know has a miscarriage, often times you don’t know what to say, and for me it was those people that let me talk, let me cry, and just let me be that helped the most. But here are some things you should NOT say to someone who has had a miscarriage.
10 things NOT to say to someone who has had a miscarriage.
1. Everything happens for a reason….
Really? Do you say this to the mother whose child who dies of cancer?? Is there really a reason that anyone should get cancer?? While a lot of people say this I think because they don’t know what else to say, it is not comforting to someone who is grieving a loss. And with a miscarriage the ‘reason’ is often times not known, which makes it all the more frustrating.
2. At least you know you can get pregnant….
Okay yes, I can get pregnant this time, but what does that matter if I can’t carry the baby to term?!!? And how do you know I'll be able to get pregnant again?
3. At least it wasn't later….
Implying that it would hurt any more if it was 5 months along instead of 3 does not help negate the experience of the loss. It was still your child, no matter when the loss occurred. The emotional effects are the same no matter when you lose your child.
4. Maybe you shouldn't have done/eaten this or that….
Oh my...To say that to a women after a miscarriage is just belittling. As if she hasn’t already blamed herself enough and gone over and over in her head everything she did up until that point, to question her actions and lifestyle is just awful. Most of the time there is nothing you could have done to prevent the miscarriage, and you will never know what the cause was. To question her is just wrong.
5. It will happen…
Will it? You don’t know this. Women can struggle for years.
6. There was probably something wrong anyways…
Don’t assume that I would have loved my child any less if something were different about them.
7. It's very common…
Yes it is a common occurrence happening to every 1 in 4 women, but when it happens to you it is heartbreaking and lonely.
8. Maybe you weren't ready…
No. I was ready, we wanted this baby, we prayed for this baby. We were ready.
9. Do you know what's wrong with you…
No I don’t, and thank you for implying that it was me that caused my miscarriage.
10. At least you have a child….
Although this does not pertain to me, this would be one of the worst things to say implying that the lost babies life was any less precious than the one you already have.
To read more on miscarriage and supporting those who have experienced one, go here
