Our Story....

We are so happy to announce we are expecting March 2016!

With 3 little angels above us, and one inside me, this wasn’t an easy announcement to make.  I thought long and hard about if I wanted to do one of “those” announcements or not, because not too long ago I knew how hard it was to see those announcements.  Social media these days is a highlight reel and boasting platform, and often times the story or struggle behind that is hidden or overlooked.  I didn’t think it was fair to announce our happy news without sharing our story. The struggle and tears that led up to this photo, and acknowledging our other babies, because this isn’t our first baby, it’s our fourth...

So it's pretty long, but here's our story...I'll be detailed but not too much as I will post later more about my miscarriage experiences. Especially since October is pregnancy and miscarriage awareness month. 

Baby #1

Last April we were pregnant and due in January of 2015 with Baby #1. Of course we were super excited, I started pinning things, we told our parents and a select few, and waited for the first 8 week appointment.  I went in to the first appointment got all the information, bloodwork etc. I went to Target bought a book and little outfit, even took bump selfies, and I waited for the 9 week ultrasound.  Being your first pregnancy you’re nervous, but don’t really think anything of it, but we knew something was wrong at the appointment when it was only measuring 6 weeks and no heartbeat. We had a follow up ultrasound the next week.  At this appointment we found out on our one year anniversary weekend that there was no growth or heartbeat.  I ended up having a D&E July 3.

This was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.  The pain, depression, blame, self doubt, sadness, anger, and still I had to pretend and put on a happy face, because face it, people don’t talk about those things.  

Unfortunately being 10 weeks we had told a few close friends because it was hard to hide why I wasn’t drinking ;) But other than our parents, siblings, and those select few friends, most of our family and friends had no idea and still may have no idea until now that I am writing this.

I had to go back and have my blood monitored week after week to make sure the pregnancy hormone was going down because they had found abnormal cells in the tissue.  They were worried it could have been a molar pregnancy, which the word cancer just adds a whole new level. But luckily it wasn't, but it unfortunately took awhile for my levels to come down.  This process alone is agonizing..wanting to get pregnant again, but can’t because you’re body still has the pregnancy hormone in it.  The irony you pray to be pregnant but at this moment you're praying for your body to realize you're not pregnant.. Finally I hit zero in September...

Baby #2

Then the end of October we found out we were expecting again. We would be due June 21 with Baby #2. Right at our two year anniversary!  But this time they didn’t make me wait until the normal 9 week ultrasound.  I went in at what should be 6 weeks, but it was measuring 5.  So I had a follow up the next week and they still weren’t sure it would be viable, so I had another a few days later, but the sac was an abnormal shape and the heartbeat was slow, so we had yet another, and this one determined there was no growth and heartbeat, and an abnormal mass was growing in the sac.  It was advised to have another D&E right away, So on November 14,  I had my second D&E.  Not only going through this again in the same year, but my 30th  birthday was only a few days later.  Talk about a hot mess….

I was miserable, depressed, I probably cried every day for a month after each loss, hiding in the bathroom, crying in the car on the way to work and home, crying in the shower, and in bed..  And to make it worse my news feed was fluttered with pregnancy announcements or births, when we should be announcing ours as well.  Ensue more sobbing.... With every announcement came more self pity and that feeling of anger and loneliness.  Now don’t get me wrong, I was and am so happy for each and every one of my friends or family that had a baby or announced it during this time, it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them, but with it came all the emotions of my loss and the feeling of feeling sorry for myself.  And my apologies to those who felt I was different during this time and took offense to it, it was not my intention, it was nothing against you.

Then came January...our baby #1 due date, and yet my bloodwork still wasn’t back to normal…(my body sure did like to hang on to that pregnancy hormone...For those who think a miscarriage is over when it happens... It's not.  It can take months afterwards to get rid of everything.). Knowing that I should be delivering our first child and here I was having had 2 miscarriages was too much to handle.  Having to go in every week for blood and then getting that phone call that it’s still not below 5 (which is a normal, non-pregnant, number) ...with every phone call came the circle of emotions.  After each call you could no doubt find me crying in the bathroom at work.

Finally the end of February my bloodwork showed zero and a few weeks later I got a period, which meant the pregnancy hormone was gone and we could get pregnant again.  I also had some bloodwork done in this time to test for any autoimmune disorders I may have.  Some women having miscarriages have had success going on baby aspirin. My results showed some questionable things, but nothing conclusive..but I was told to start taking baby aspirin anyways.

But March passed, and I never got a period...then April passed, still nothing and each test showed negative.  And the day we found out we were expecting baby #1 came and went, and all those emotions came back again, along with frustration, sadness, and depression.  Finally I called the doctor and I’ve always been irregular, which they say could be PCOS, or other factors, and I was put on medicine to start a period and to then help ovulate.  Then our second due date for baby #2 came and went as well as our anniversary, and loss of baby #1, and the cycle of sobbing, and depression started all over again.  I should have a newborn or 6 month old by now and instead I have nothing. We were one more round away from seeing a specialist..

But finally we got what we were waiting for....  

                                                              

Because of my history I was to come in at 5.5 weeks. I went in and after being through this several times already I  figured they wouldn't see much and I'd have to go in for a follow up so I told Nick to not even bother coming. So I went in and the doctor said I was indeed pregnant but she was only measuring 4 weeks...this was with an abdominal ultrasound. She then did a transvaginal, and she said with surprise, I'm still measuring 4 weeks but there are two sacs... Two!!! I knew being a twin and being on medicine my odds would be higher... But I was in total shock... I couldn't even carry one successfully, how would I carry two?! A million thoughts went through my mind. She gave me a picture to take home.. This was the first picture I've ever gotten. I left to go back to work in a daze, how was I going to tell Nick??

I got in the car after work and showed him the picture. He took a minute but then said wait are there two?! After shock wore off we were super excited. And me being a twin I thought this was something special I could share with my children.  How would we ever keep this secret though... 

Baby #3, Baby #4

We had our next ultrasound 10 days later. I was so nervous as I had no symptoms like every other pregnancy. And of course bad news...there was only one sac and a low heartbeat that was the same as my pulse, so they weren’t sure if it was mine or the baby.  I was scheduled to come in yet again a week later. We had lost a twin....Baby #3.  I had no idea how to comprehend this. Not again!! But there was still one, that was good right?? I cried again and again. How would I last a week.. I prayed for any sign, like every other time, I prayed to feel nauseous, throw up, anything! I would gladly throw up everyday for nine months if it meant I'd have a healthy baby. Yes you read that right. And trust me, I'm not the friend you want to complain to about feeling like crap while pregnant. Because I will just look at you, roll my eyes and with no sympathy say boohoo suck it up. You have a baby be grateful. You have no idea how hard I prayed to switch places with you.

Luckily it was a Friday and the weekend. So I spent the night sobbing on the couch. We left the house Saturday to go to dinner and as soon as we went outside we saw a rainbow... For those who don't know a baby after a miscarriage or still birth is called a rainbow baby.. I immediately started crying, but tears of hope. It was the sign I needed to stay calm. This would be our baby, our rainbow baby.  They say a woman knows her body and I can say before each loss as much as I tried to tell myself everything was fine, I knew before each one that something was wrong. And on our way to the last appointment I was a mess driving there and my husband was asking me what was wrong as I'm crying and irritated, and I just knew that something wasn't right... And I was right.. we had lost a twin. But at this moment that I saw the rainbow I knew everything would be okay with this baby.

Finally the next Friday rolled around and off we went yet again for an ultrasound... And those seven words I've waited 476 days to hear...."I have GOOD NEWS, there's a heartbeat" 

We were only 6.5 weeks but we finally made it past the first hurdle.. There was a heartbeat... Now I just had to make it to the next appointment to feel a little more easy.  

But about 2 weeks later I passed a clot, which immediately brought on tons of anxiety and worry, they had me come in and did an ultrasound, everything was fine and baby was measuring 8.5 weeks with a heartbeat of 175.  All was good.  I was scheduled for the normal ‘first’ appointment that Friday, which I finally got all the bloodwork and paperwork and could start back on the normal timeline of appointments.  My next checkup would be 4 weeks later and just a dopplar no ultrasound until 20 weeks.  

After going in almost weekly for ultrasounds 4 weeks seemed like a lifetime.  Having no symptoms either I was still overly cautious and didn’t want to tell anyone until after the next appointment.  

Finally I had my checkup and although it took awhile to find and kept moving around the doctor found the heartbeat. Finally... Some Comfort...

I was still unsure on how to think about the twin we lost, should I even consider it a miscarriage? If I was on a normal track I would have never had my first ultrasound until 9 weeks and never would have known there were twins.., would that have been better? I wouldn't have had to grieve again.,, but after doing some googling, it is actually a phenomenon called the Vanishing Twin Syndrome... One of the twins appears to vanish as it is absorbed back into the uterus.. I found an article that said "a vanishing twin is the shooting star of the womb" And that's how I feel. It's a special moment I got to witness. And it was baby, my third baby.. And I’ll have that special memory to share with Baby #4.

So that’s our story...

And trust me I know what it’s like to sit there and say why them, why not me? Trust me I understand, and I don’t understand why it does or doesn’t happen.  Unfortunately my innocence was taken, and it’s sad, but it’s hard to be excited or rather show my excitement, I will never be excited like the first time I found out, that innocent excitement, it was stolen from me… until the baby is in my arms I won't rest easy.  This photo session was the first thing I did to actually make it feel real, I took my first bump selfie at 14 weeks, I haven't bought a thing, and we just started telling people. Miscarriage changes you, it takes a piece of you away.  

Miscarriage causes you to hate yourself and your body. I was depressed and not taking care of myself. I wasn't working out and I was eating things like oreos, a whole bag of oreos, and sitting on the couch crying unable to move. It's like you go through your day in a daze. But then the Beachbody opportunity presented itself at just the perfect time. I signed up to coach with the 21 Day Fix right before our second miscarriage.  I was instantly uplifted by a group of strangers who were so positive and motivating. I fell in love with working out again and my eating habits were starting to change. Finally I felt more like myself.  After my procedure I went all in and my 30 minute workout became my escape, and eating clean was second nature. I knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent a miscarriage,  but I could at least know I was the healthiest I could be and treating my body with respect instead of neglect. I could provide my body with the nutrients and fuel it needed to produce a human life. 

Follow me on this journey of a healthy, fit pregnancy, with all of my fears, anxieties, and cautious excitement of this new chapter.  Please know that you are not alone! This was tremendously hard to share, especially knowing some family and friends may have no inkling any of this ever happened, but if I can help just one person feel like they are not going through whatever they are alone, then it was worth it. Society doesn't really talk about miscarriages, and we are forced to grieve alone, hide, and feel shamed. But you're not alone.

**And I want to give a huge shout out to my husband, for dealing with my tears, hormones, wave of ups and downs, and to those few friends and family members who dealt with and listened to my complaining, crying, and venting, or just let me be, thank you.  

 *Photos by Inspired and Enchanted Photography