The Ugly Truth

The Ugly Truth

I am 22 weeks pregnant and over half way through you would think I’d be screaming from the rooftops, but unfortunately the past 2 miscarriages still haunt me daily.  It doesn’t get any easier, I just cry less.  It has now been a year since we lost baby #2 and  you think I’d be over it, but I still feel guilt for losing those 2 and thinking what if I lose this one.  

But I’m 22 weeks, and we finally got to see our baby at the anatomy scan, so why not get excited!!?!?. That was a huge milestone making it to the appointment!  Success!!! The appointment seemed to go pretty well, there was a cute sleeping baby sucking on its hands.  :) We went out to the store afterwards to finally buy a little something for our little one and show our parents a picture.  

But then I get the phone call at work the next week that the doctor reviewed the scans and there was concern about the head shape.  My heart sank.  I immediately regretted getting the slightest bit excited.  Luckily they got me in the next day to the specialist.  

We went and got to see baby again, the results were, yes there was concern about the shape of the head, it was elongated, but because baby was sitting breech at the last appointment and this one they believe that is the reason.  They stated that this is normal with breech babies and all the soft spots were still open which was good, but wanted a follow up measurement in a few weeks.  Thank goodness.  

But the truth is if this were my first pregnancy I’d think nothing of it and be having an excited carefree pregnancy, but this fear that just when I let things go that’s when something bad happens again, that will never go away.  

It’s the ugly truth…

I’ve had a wonderful pregnancy physically.  It’s as if I’m not even pregnant, with just some acne and stuffy/bloddy nose, if it weren’t for the appointments and growing belly I wouldn’t think I was pregnant at all.  But mentally, especially after experiencing multiple miscarriages this hasn’t been easy.  

The ugly truth is…

-After experiencing a miscarriage you feel like your news feed is fluttered with announcement after announcement or constant complaining about feeling nauseous or tired etc etc....  Be sensitive to the silent sufferers, think before you speak or post and be grateful for what you have.

-It feels like every show on TV is about a pregnant woman.

-You feel guilty every time you see a pregnant woman and you think to yourself why her…you immediately feel guilty for thinking it. Truth is you don’t know what she’s gone through to get there.

-It seems like every time you had gone to the doctors office before you never saw any pregnant ladies, but now all of a sudden the waiting room is full of them..and then there’s you…

I’ve never seen anyone cry in the doctors office before, and here I am sobbing...am I the only one??

**(But I have to say I love my doctors and the ladies that work there,  the secretaries and blood lady got to know me pretty well over the past year and a half, and when I finally walked over for the official first blood work after all my early ultrasounds the blood lady was so excited for me! and when I walked out to the check out desk from my last early ultrasound appointment that finally confirmed a viable pregnancy, the secretary gave out a little scream of excitement for me. It was nice to have that feeling that they were rooting for me and I really appreciate them all.)

Then you finally get pregnant again and..

-You walk into the doctor and they ask how many pregnancies you’ve had and I have to answer this is my third pregnancy. When they ask the question you immediately give them a look like umm what do I say?!? This is awkward and painful every time.

-When someone asks if this is your first or how many children you have, you want to include your angel babies, and feel guilty when you don’t, but feel like it will be easier not to get into it.  

-Going to the bathroom is terrifying.  I hold my breath that I’m going to look and there is going to be blood EVERY SINGLE TIME. I don't think this will ever go away.  

-Every 4 week appointment is one step closer to the due date, but there is still fear until delivery day and a healthy baby is handed to you.

-I had all the pins and baby bump ideas during my first pregnancy, and I took a photo each week until the miscarriage. The second pregnancy I didn't take any before the miscarriage. And with this pregnancy I didn’t take one until 14 weeks, and haven’t taken one every week.  It just doesn’t seem important.  Nothing really seems important anymore except those weekly appointments where they tell you its okay.

People may not understand why you can’t let it go and forget about it.   I feel like people judge me for not acting a certain way. Trust me I am enjoying this pregnancy, physically it’s a breeze, but mentally it’s a battle every day, and no one will understand unless they’ve been there.  I’m not letting it ruin my happiness, but it’s a different sort of happiness, a bottled up cautious excitement, that only those going through it can understand. I'm grateful every day that I get to be pregnant, but worry every day if I will stay pregnant.

It’s the Ugly Truth..It’s my truth.

Pink or Blue??

Pink or Blue??? What do you think???

The anticipated halfway mark, or 20 week ultrasound where they can determine if it's a boy or it's a girl….

Many people look forward to this moment so they can pick their blue or pink themed nurseries. Pick out cute little dresses or little boys clothes. Have gender reveal parties, etc.

But then there are those who want to wait until delivery day arrives.  What better surprise than going through labor and hearing it's a….!!!!!

So what am I???

I want to be surprised.  Although my husband wants to find out I think I will win this battle.

I'm not really a pink or blue person to begin with, so going all neutral themes is right up my alley.  And it's a money saver because I'm sure I'd already have a room full of stuff if I knew the gender (same for some family members...wink, wink)

After everything we've been through it doesn't matter to me either way as long as it's a healthy little baby. And you will never get that moment back of hearing for the first time after how many hours of delivery what it is…and to me that's some good motivation to push!!!

So here's a few wives tale predictions..although for every friend I know it has been true I know 3 that it has not been true… especially the morning sickness one.  So take them for what you will.. Wives tales that's all they are.. And stay tuned to see if I fit the mold….

How you are carrying..

High -pink

Low - blue

I'd say it's too early to tell, although I've got a super short torso so I'm pretty sure there will be no high low it will just be there, it already feels like my uterus is in my sternum.  Tie here for now.

Baby weight- basketball vs football?

If you are carrying in front it's a boy, spaced all around belly it's a girl...

We’ve all heard the basketball it’s a boy, football it’s a girl.  Although again I’ve had some friends who were all belly in front and had a girl.

I’d say it's too early to say.  Tie here for now.

It’s all about that beat...Heartbeat…

It is said if the heartbeat is above 140 it’s a girl, below 140 it’s a boy...so what if it’s 140 exactly???

As of now this is a resounding girl here.. Although I haven’t gotten specific numbers since the beginning which was 176, 165, 146, every appointment since with the doppler they’ve had a really hard time finding it, but then when they did said it’s in the 140’s.

Cravings..

If you are craving sweet it's a girl, salty it's a boy…

Although I've always loved sweet and salty things, salty things taste way too salty these days and I definitely have devoured way too many sweets as of late

Give me those cookies and donuts and chocolate.. Girl

Breakouts

If you are breaking out it's a girl

This one sadly I feel like a 13 year old I've got this one hands down.. I’ve been waiting for my face to clear up for months now...Girl

Ring on a string

If it swings in a circle it's a boy, swings back and forth it's a girl

But I've seen it listed as the opposite as well.

Tried with my necklace and it was back and forth.  But I believe this is one is all how the string holder lets go of the ring.  So tie here. Not sure I fall for this one.

Sick

Do you have nausea and morning sickness? It's a girl.  If you’re not sick it's a boy...

Although I’d say I had some slight food aversions early on, where I couldn’t even take more than a bite of meat, I’d still say Boy wins it here.

Mood swings..

If you have them it's a girl

Pretty sure my hubby would say they're in full force.. Sorry babe.. Girl

Linea nigra

That weird line that some people get on their belly, if it continues above the belly button it’s a boy, below belly button it’s a girl

Nothing yet, Girl Here.

A big boob

Right breast larger? It’s a Boy , left side it’s a girl

Sorry TMI, but Girl here.

Chinese calendar

Look it up online, it uses your age and month of conception.

Girl

Evens or odds

If your age and year of conception are both even or odd it’s a girl

If one is even and one is odd it’s a boy

Boy

So based on these wives tales it’s a landslide for girl.  7-2

My husband says it’s a boy, although that I’m sure it  is brought on because that’s what he wants (although he’d be happy with either) and I say girl (mostly just to bug him) :)
But from our first appointment that we found out it was twins, I immediately thought they were 2 girls.  Myself being a twin, twin girls, I thought it was like me and my sister.  :) Then when we lost one and they weren’t sure about the heartbeat of the other I remember we left the appointment and my husband said you and the baby drive me nuts..I looked at him and said..it must be a girl then.. :)

Have these wives tales been true for you?? So what will our little one be? I guess you’ll have to wait and see.  :)